The power of ‘appropriate’ assertiveness

Why it matters: in just three days…

Here’s a little of what I have observed in just a three-day period. These all have negative consequences, so imagine if I had been looking back across a year!

Misinterpreting assertiveness as aggression

A breakdown in discussions despite both parties wanting to settle out of court. Both parties believe they are being assertive, but all this has led to wasted time, increased stress, increased costs for both parties, meanwhile the problem still isn’t solved. Do you know anyone who believes that assertiveness can be assessed/measured by who ‘wins’?

Under-assertiveness

A potential customer doesn’t respond after being sent a proposal for a service they had requested. Is this lack of response laziness, a lack of respect, or could it be under assertive? Perhaps they are concerned about giving bad news or negative feedback? Either way the supplier is left with a bad impression of the potential customer, but equally is left not knowing what they could have done differently.

Under-assertiveness

Someone who starts every sentence with a ‘sorry’. This leads to them potentially undermining their own position, competence and ideas which can have a huge impact on their personal success and satisfaction in life and work. The lifetime consequences for an employee can be huge.

Aggression?

Someone who is an introvert is accused of being passive aggressive when in fact all they have done is not voice their thoughts. This approach can lead to the introvert being excluded/bullied in a workplace that is, by and large, generally more respectful of extroverts. Nobody wins and everybody loses from this assumption.

Assertiveness training: It’s not just for junior team members

While it’s not a training course often asked for, I genuinely believe that assertiveness training would be hugely valuable and valid for both junior team members and many directors and senior executives. Even senior team members who pride themselves on their assertiveness may now find themselves on the end of a grievance if their language or tone doesn’t land well. What one person considers assertive, another may, in today’s world, consider aggressive! We should not be complacent.

Perhaps sessions split by role level would be valuable to ensure the right level of discussions if you do organise some training.

Appropriate assertiveness – a step beyond assertiveness?

Think about the people around you and consider who is, most of the time, appropriately assertive and who is not.

Of those who are not, how might their life change if they are given a proper opportunity to build this as a skill?

Also, of those you consider appropriately assertive, would the rest of the world agree with you?

Recently, I heard about a new graduate intake in a corporate. In their first week, they were invited in small groups to meet with the CFO. The director asked them “how is your first week going, any feedback?”

One assertive graduate replied “I’m loving it thanks but, as you asked for feedback, this is what I think needs to change with your selection process…”

Two weeks later he was out of a job and said to his mates “but what did I do wrong?”

If he was in the room now, my answer would be:

• either you embarrassed the director in public e.g. by inadvertently criticising the business or
• you irritated/frustrated him by raising complaints that were not within his power to address (wrong department) or
• you misread the ‘room’ and your perceived lack of respect for a senior person gave him the impression you were not suited to the role.

Whether a director should have reacted the way he did is neither here nor there as what happened, happened. But the learning is that while we can all speak up, what we need to be is appropriately assertive when we speak, which means so much more than just speaking out confidently.

Let me be clear that far from having cracked this whole thing myself, it’s as much a challenge for me as it is for many others.

It’s tough being an adult and having to be responsible in the way we communicate!

Emotionally intelligent assertiveness

If we expect emotional intelligence of others (as most of us now do) when they communicate with us, then we might consider our own need to be emotionally intelligent when communicating with others. Emotional intelligence isn’t a one-way street.

Contrary to what social media might at times suggest, we don’t have to voice out loud every thought or feeling we have. When we speak up, we need to do so in a measured, considered way.

Moving beyond “just speaking up”

If we speak at the wrong time, in the wrong place, to the wrong person, in the wrong tone, about the wrong topic and so on then whether we are assertive or not, we are unlikely to be viewed as ‘appropriately’ assertive. And this is where so many go wrong in their communications. They miss the nuances around words, relationships, communication…

• Read the room: Before you speak, consider how the other person might react to what you’re saying.
• Choose the right time and place: Don’t blurt things out in the heat of the moment. Think about the situation and whether it’s the best time to bring something up.
• Deliver your message effectively: Use clear, respectful language and a professional tone.

Misunderstanding communication styles

Referring back to my earlier examples, telling someone they are passive aggressive simply because they are an introvert and not speaking up is not emotionally intelligent. It achieves nothing other than potentially driving a relationship breakdown.

In the same vein, giving feedback just because someone has asked for feedback might sound logical, but if we don’t apply our common sense and emotional intelligence when giving feedback then whatever we say is never going to land well.

Rights and responsibilities

I recently read a comment on a LinkedIn post that would have been a great opportunity to put a different point across, but the person who left the comment chose instead to personally attack the writer. So much more could have been achieved through appropriate assertiveness – instead they came across as someone who is ‘toxic’.

Commenting on LinkedIn to the effect that the other person must be vile for saying what they said might reflect how you are feeling, but it ignores the fact that with every right we have (e.g. to speak up) we have an equal responsibility (e.g. for how our message lands or to treat others with respect).

Assertiveness training includes significant time spent working through our rights and responsibilities and this can be hugely valuable when helping our colleagues understand what is and is not appropriate to say and do. You could even do this activity on understanding our rights and responsibilities outside of the training environment – a team meeting perhaps?

Communication is the response it elicits

I personally have had to work hard at my assertiveness across my career and continue to do so as getting it right is so important. Neatly summed up by LinkedIn: “Effective communication is more than just conveying what you intend, it is the ability to elicit a desired response. The responsibility lies with you, as the sender of the message, to adjust your communication so that you get the response you desire.”

A personal challenge

So, given what I have shared above:

Q. What is one key challenge around assertiveness for your organisation?
Q. What is one key challenge around assertiveness for you?