Should we ever offer women-only or men-only training courses? 

Sexual harassment training 

I have, in recent years, delivered sessions specifically focused on sexual harassment. It’s great to have both perspectives in the room and in those combined sessions, there have been some great discussions about culture, policies around social events, role modelling, different generations expecting/tolerating different kinds of behaviour etc. I have noticed though two potential downsides to this approach:  

1. there is minimal sharing of experiences 
2. many men in the room listen, but prefer not to ask questions or contribute 

I’ve also noticed that some of the men arrive looking defensive and are clearly concerned about being picked on, lectured or shown up in public. In contrast, the women sometimes arrive looking anxious at the thought of being asked to share their experiences or thoughts.  

I’m talking broadly here and this, of course, is not to say that it’s only women that experience sexual harassment, studies show that 40% of women and 16% of men say they’ve been sexually harassed at work. 

In the women-only sessions  

There has been less focus on policies, culture etc. but instead much more of a focus on women in the room wanting to share their own experiences, looking to each other for empathy, shared understanding and sharing of tips and guidance. The discussions have been deeper and more wide ranging, but interestingly mostly about support and improvement, rather than anger, frustration or retribution! I also, not surprisingly, come across the occasional woman who says something along the lines of “but I don’t get what the problem is”. This can be a downer for everyone in the room, if this one individual is particularly vocal and/or holds a senior position in the organisation and/or has a tendency to fill all those around her with fear – I shall resist the temptation to name names! 

In the men-only sessions 

While they often arrive a little defensive, worried about being given a lecture, made to feel like an aggressor or told off, once we are talking, I see a more open approach to asking questions and exploring the topic in a safe environment. As a trainer, I want people to be able to discuss and learn. There’s no point in looking to catch people out, that has no part to play. For a good discussion, it’s so important that they lose the fear of reprimand and don’t have to contend with any kind of disapproval (whether real or imagined) from their female colleagues. As a trainer, I focus my energies on showing how we can all be more aware of what’s going on around us and be confident to step in when we see something inappropriate going on.  

As with the occasional woman in the women-only sessions who arrives with the intention/mindset of derailing the discussion, there can sometimes be a man who takes the same approach picking holes in everything that is said and undermining the conversation at every turn. On several occasions this has, in fact, been the most senior person in the room which has made it exceedingly difficult to handle. It’s important that the trainer, always be allowed to ask the person who is disrupting the learning, to leave the training room. A good conversation is great, sharing opinions is great, different ideas are great, but there is a line that can be crossed when one person is effectively closing down a conversation or intimidating their colleagues through their language or behaviours and that is when they should be asked to leave and invited to attend a different session or offered training on a one to one basis instead.  

All training on EDI (some prefer DEI), including sexual harassment, needs to be undertaken in an environment of respect and high professional standards. If I could be so bold as to say that some trainers might be reminded that they are training adults, not lecturing offenders! Trainers are human too and I don’t think we should seek to take the moral high ground whilst telling others how they are falling short. I prefer to facilitate a discussion and lead that by showing my own vulnerability and humility as I am know I am far from perfect myself.  

What’s my verdict? 

On balance, I believe the ideal solution is to offer both mixed and men/women-only sessions and invite people to choose their most comfortable environment.  

Leadership Training 

But away from diversity training, let’s now consider leadership training. With over 25 years’ experience as a trainer and in HR, it’s been my observation that there are pros and cons to mixed leadership development sessions.  

Mixed sessions, the pros:  

• Diversity: The more diverse the group the greater the shared learning about different perspectives and experiences. 
• Innovation and collaboration: The more diverse the group the greater chance of innovation, collaboration and exceptional problem solving (plenty of research on this).
• Dynamics: A mixed session mirrors real workplace interactions, so perhaps provides a more real-world context.
• Inclusivity: No one is upset as a result of feeling singled out or left out and no one feels suspicious about what other groups are learning/being told.
• Efficiency: Easier organisation, admin and preparation as we’re designing just one course suitable for all.

Mixed sessions, the cons:  

Disclaimer! These come from my personal experience as a trainer, but let me be clear that we’re all complex human beings plus training rooms can vary hugely depending on the ages, cultures and experiences of the delegates: 

Communication Styles: Differences in communication styles between genders can lead to misunderstandings and difficulties in engagement. Men can view the question ‘why’ that women ask on a frequent basis as an ‘incoming missile’, deliberate conflict, despite that not being the intention of the person asking the question. 

Participation: Women may struggle to find space to speak and have their contributions heard in a mixed environment. This is relatively common for millions of women across a number of cultures, so in a busy competitive/noisy environment our contributions can get lost or simply not heard at all. Men will speak over each other quite easily and jump in with a comment whenever they wish to speak.  

Discussion Preferences: Women may prefer more discussion-rich sessions with topics that emerge organically, even if not on the agenda and are comfortable with topics that don’t necessarily have an answer or clear action point at the end. Their discussions as a result, can often be more wide ranging. Men tend to prefer a faster-paced, on topic, action-oriented, information driven approach with conclusions/clarity of decisions or next steps. 

Sensitive or complex topics: Women enjoy building relationships with those they are learning with and do so before they share sensitive or complex information. It’s harder in a mixed environment to tackle sensitive topics that will benefit from in depth group discussions. For these more difficult conversations you also have to spend more time setting the scene, setting the rules of engagement, ensuring the right tone etc before being able to approach the tough or challenging topic.  

What’s my verdict?  

On balance, I might generally encourage leadership training in a mixed environment, unless the leadership training is heavily focussed on soft skills.  

Personal/Soft Skills Training 

Finally let me address training on topics such as confidence, self-esteem, assertiveness, effective communication.  

I have battled confidence, assertiveness, esteem issues throughout my entire life. I believe that what I have had to tackle is the result of both men and women in my very young as well as later life instilling doubts about my abilities and my place in society.  For me this has never been about what men do to women, but more what society and social norms do to women. If you haven’t felt continually poleaxed by shyness or low confidence it’s hard to help you understand what it feels like, but about 8 years ago I was on holiday and happened to be sharing a table at dinner with another family. Attempting to draw the silent 16-year-old daughter of the other family into the conversation I asked about how she had done in her recent exams. “I did okay” she told me. Her father then said “Actually she did brilliantly, she got 12 A* GCSE’s….. but it wouldn’t be seemly for her to say so, would it?”. It was this final throwaway comment that floored me. A hugely proud father of a seriously intelligent daughter just nonchalantly reinforced his daughter’s belief that women are expected to play down their achievements. Plus, her mother didn’t blink an eye at what her husband said, seemingly unaware of how this can impact girls for life.    

As I mentioned above, if you have ever wondered why a competent colleague doesn’t speak up in a meeting when she could be sharing her ideas, this is why! Not all, but far too many of us have been ‘trained’ to wait for others to invite us to speak, to not speak over others and when we do speak, to ensure that we don’t take credit for our efforts or ever be seen to brag. Speaking from the heart, this kind of upbringing and community reinforcement of acceptable behaviours is like dealing with poison, every single day. It’s so hard to get past it and no amount of ‘just speak up’ is going to make a difference.  

A manager even once had the cheek to ask me to coach an underperforming woman in his team because during team meetings she didn’t speak up and therefore, in his view, was clearly lacking in competence. In fact, she was highly competent, just not being given the space in a noisy team of men to ever demonstrate it.  

What’s my verdict? 

I believe that this type of women-only training can be invaluable as a result of this ingrained belief system about speaking out, playing down our strengths and in the case of the woman above, simply deciding she didn’t want to battle for airtime. Developing ourselves in a group of people who get it, who have experienced it, who are still experiencing it, is so important. Yes, there are some benefits to mixed training, but as with my earlier comments, in women-only environments the discussions are deeper, more meaningful and the group can be so much more supportive.  

Which brings me to my final comment here, I can’t really speak for men on training on topics such as self-esteem and confidence. Men, I believe, have as many personal development challenges as women, just different ones at time and different perspectives and life experiences which, while I could guess at what they are, I don’t fully understand or appreciate. I would be interested in a man’s opinion on this, but my best guess would be that some men, just like some women, might quite value men-only training too on these more personal topics.  

Amongst all of this, we clearly need to remember that whatever sex or gender we are, we are all individuals and for all my talk of the ‘typical’ behaviours, I know there are plenty of us out there who are unique and amazing in our uniqueness – heaven help the world if we were all the same!  

Please do share your thoughts in the comment box below!